Other
than disagreements arising from childlessness and the usual ‘irreconcilable
differences’, there is hardly any other thing that has wrecked marriages than
infidelity. Defined simply as the action or state of being unfaithful to a
spouse, infidelity is an act that is engaged in by both men and women.
Even
though it is widely believed that men are guiltier of this act, studies have
shown that women are just as culpable as men, if not more.
A
study by Dr. David Holmes, a psychologist at Manchester Metropolitan University,
United Kingdom, shows that women, more than ever, now have more extra-marital
affairs than men, noting however that women are better at hiding their
infidelity, they are a lot more likely to lie about it and a lot less likely to
get caught.
It
has been established that men are more daring when it comes to infidelity, and
it is even a status symbol in some cycles while it is somewhat forbidden for a
woman to even think about it, not to talk of doing it.
Holmes,
in his post on Mail
Online, said, “If you look at the studies into paternity, even
conservative figures show that between eight and 15 per cent of children
haven’t been fathered by the man who thinks he’s the biological parent. So, the
biggest difference is that women are much better at keeping their affairs
secret.”
That
men cheat is not the gist, and some people have even adduced several reasons
for their infidelity, including the fact that men are moved by what they see,
thus, they are more likely to cheat because of sex. But given that women are
seen to be more reticent when it comes to their sexuality, it is therefore
compelling to note the things that make women cheat on their husbands.
According
to reports, whether such women do so because they are either not satisfied with
their marriage entirely or they are not satisfied with it at all, the main
reasons that have been found include unsatisfactory or lack of emotional care,
arising from lack of attention and intimacy, revenge, feeling
under-appreciated, boringness, low self esteem, peer pressure, financial
independence, and of course sexual dissatisfaction or the more serious one,
sexual addiction. These were the findings of Divorced Moms, which is an online
community for divorced women and single mothers, where they share ideas and experiences.
Sex: This is one of the key reasons some women
cheat on their husbands. Findings have shown that some women have extramarital
sexual relationship because they are not getting enough of good sex, some do it
because they are not getting any, maybe the refusal of the man to ‘touch them’
based on subsisting conflict and a lot of women do it out of emotional
disconnection from their spouses.
Meanwhile,
most women do not reach orgasm during sexual intercourse, which on its own
creates some discomfort for them, hence, there is the possibility for some to
look for that sexual satisfaction elsewhere and it is more likely if they have
a waiting or willing ‘partner’ outside. It is equally not strange for some
women to engage in extramarital affairs if their husbands have small manhood.
This shows the importance of sex in marriage.
According
to Dr. Janne Lomasky, a United States-based psychologist, women who do not
experience real orgasm during sex may eventually lose interest in the
relationship and look elsewhere for good sex. She noted, however, that such
women should communicate their needs to the husband or, they could seek the
help of a sex therapist instead of having another affair.
Revenge: It is interesting to note that some women
engage in extramarital affairs to get back at their husbands, especially when
such men had also cheated on them. Such women have been found to do it in
style, pride and they see it as the best way to revenge the wrong done to them
by the cheating husband. “Those who have been cheated before feel deceived,
hurt, angry, sad and violated and it affects their relationship, mood,
behaviour and the ability to trust the man, thus, they want to make such men
feel the way they felt,” said Lomasky.
However,
she advised that instead of cheating, they should resolve the issue and move
on. “The biggest truth is that cheating never solves a problem; communication,
assertiveness and increasing passion and romance in the relationship are a much
better solution,” she added.
Lack of emotional connection or attention: It has been said
that women are emotional beings who need constant attention and care from their
spouses, thus, if their husbands do not show them the much needed intimacy and
affection, some tend to look for it outside the marriage because it is in their
genes to be cared for, and when they don’t get it, they look for it, which
often compels them to fall into the waiting hands of other men. Lomasky notes,
“Women deprived of attention, compliments and compassion usually have emotional
affairs, which could lead to sex, even though it could start with craving for
attention and compassion that has been absent from their marriage.”
And
it is almost the same thing when women feel under-appreciated. A simple ‘thank
you’ or complimentary remarks could make the difference, and when women do not
hear such, they feel bitter, pained, underappreciated and it could breed low
self-esteem. Whereas, if they have friends who make them feel loved, that could
be the beginning of an extramarital affair.
Boredom: Findings have shown that women love
varieties and they want to be happy in marriage, but when they feel their
spouse is not creative, more so if he used to be, some tend to have affairs.
According to some women, new relationships are exciting, and it is more so
because such men tend to do everything possible to impress the woman, as
against what they had been used to with their husbands. According to Helen
Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University in US, women are more
likely to have an affair because of loneliness.
And
as established earlier, women want care, physical touch and attention, but when
they have spouses who rarely spent time with them, some tend to seek attention
from other sources.
Peer pressure: This is a term that is mostly used
when talking about children, but it is heartwarming to note that older persons
feel it too. To avoid being abused or discriminated against in some cycles,
some women take to extramarital affairs so as ‘to belong’ because they have
friends who do same. In such cases, it is the friends who put them through,
find them a lover and teach them how to keep it away from their husbands.
According
to Lomasky, a woman who earns her own money, while the husband earns his, may
consider leaving an unhappy relationship, unlike those who depend on the
husband. When a woman has been abused or is being cheated on by her husband, a
woman who cannot bear such but has the capacity to pay her bills could seek
comfort, care and attention from other men.
A
psychologist, Dr. Bonke Omoteso, could not agree less with some of the reasons
above. She said if a woman has a cheating husband, she could also cheat on the
man to get back at him.
She
added that if a woman is not sexually fulfilled, she might also consider
extramarital affair, mainly because some men are not patient with their wives
when it comes to sexual intercourse. She said, “Some men just want to enjoy it
and leave, which may not be pleasing to the woman. If it persists, such a woman
could go outside the marriage to look for someone to satisfy her.
“Some
women are nymphomaniacs, having abnormally excessive and uncontrollable sexual
desire, in which case one man cannot satisfy them. Such a woman could cheat on
the husband.”
She
pointed out that a husband’s actions could also compel the woman to consider
having extramarital affairs. “If the man does not adequately provide for her,
she might want to look for a man that could satisfy her materially and
sexually, she added.
According
to Omoteso, even though it is not scientific, it is worthy of note that there
could be spiritual influences that could make a woman to do such, perhaps in a
bid to break the marriage.
Source:The Punch
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Society